How to Tell Your Spouse You Have a Drug Addiction

Making the decision to admit that your addiction is starting to become unmanageable is an intensely personal process. This decision is also something to be very proud of; it means that you have taken the first step in your recovery past denial. If you have a spouse or partner, the next step is to tell them what you are going through. Making the decision to let your spouse or partner know that you have developed a dependency on drugs or alcohol is a huge step in starting to hold yourself accountable and will be one of the foundation blocks that help hold your recovery together. Talking with your spouse or loved one will not be easy, but it is essential. Planning for this conversation will help you take this first important step forward in your recovery.

The feelings you have right now are warranted, as it can become very stressful to admit you have a problem, even with someone you love and trust. Being prepared will alleviate some of this stress while helping you anticipate their reactions so you can ensure that this conversation goes as smoothly as possible.

Talk with an addiction specialist

Feeling apprehension over this impending conversation with your spouse or loved one is very normal, no matter how supportive you perceive them to be. If you are having difficulty figuring out how to proceed, speaking with an addiction specialist first can help. Addiction specialists have years of experience in treating addiction and relationships; trained addiction specialists will be able to offer practical, compassionate guidance for this very important first conversation with your partner. They will also be available for ongoing support after the initial conversation, including feedback based on your experience and your spouse’s or partner’s reaction.

Keep in mind that revealing your addiction to your spouse or loved one is a huge step forward and a pivotal moment in your recovery journey. Many couples have reported that this moment of honesty strengthened their relationship and helped rebuild the trust that was once there. Your spouse will see the vulnerability you are showing and respect that this decision was very hard to make, and that coming forward demonstrates courage and a deeper commitment to your relationship and recovery. You will need to give your spouse or partner time to process this information. Their initial response may not reflect their true feelings; giving them time to reflect will allow them to process the information and fully understand the situation. The most important thing to remember is that you are taking action to address the problem, seeking help, and including them in your journey to recovery. This may be a difficult conversation, and as difficult as it may be, it is an act of love, an act of respect, and shows that you want more for yourself and your relationship.

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What you will learn:
How to organize your thoughts
Plan for what to say about your addiction
Picking the right time and place
Prepare for your spouse’s or partner’s emotions
Plan for the support you will need for recovery
Discuss what to say to your kids
How a Marriage Can Survive Drug or Alcohol Addiction
Preparing the talk with your kids
The Impact of Drug or Alcohol Addiction on a Marriage
Consider what kind of support you’ll need for recovery
Types of therapy and support groups for couples
Talk with an addiction specialist
How we can help

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Organize your thoughts

When figuring out how to put into words everything that you have been going through with your addiction, it is important to remember that the person you will be talking to loves you and wants the best for you. You need to remember to be as clear as possible about what you are going through and what your plans for recovery are. You may find it helpful to write down what you want to say and practice that. You do not have to read that to your partner if you do not want to, but rather use it as a guide to ensure the conversation covers everything you want to convey to them.

Plan for what to say to them

You will need to figure out how much information and level of detail that you want to go into when you have this discussion with your spouse or loved one. There is no need to go into every detail, but be prepared for questions that you need to answer honestly.

Practice what to say about your addiction, i.e., how long, when it became unmanageable, your plan to rectify the situation, and how you want them to help. It is important to make sure your spouse or partner understands that you may need to seek professional help. They need to understand that addiction is a disease, but with proper help it can be managed. This will help them feel optimistic about treatment while showing them your desire to achieve a healthier lifestyle and future, and it will make your intentions regarding your recovery clear.

Picking the right time and place

This is a very serious conversation and should be done in a place where you can be sure you will have zero interruptions. It can be held at home, at a coffee shop, or some other place that you feel comfortable in. This will help set the stage for open communication in a comfortable and relaxed environment. Make sure that you select a time when both of you are not rushed or tired to ensure that you both can have each other’s undivided attention. If need be, have a space set up so you can go deep into discussion if this is what the moment requires

This conversation may need to take place in stages over a few days or weeks depending on your partner’s emotional reaction to what you have laid out to them. If your spouse or partner needs time to process this information, encourage it. Do not feel discouraged; remember you have known about your addiction for a while now; this is all new to them.

Prepare for your spouse’s or partner’s emotions

It can be difficult to anticipate your partner’s reaction now that they know about your addiction for the first time. You need to keep in mind that your partner may already know about your addiction and may need to express thoughts and feelings that they have not been able to share with you before.

It doesn’t matter how they initially react; what is important is that you listen to what they are feeling and acknowledge your responsibility for any hurt that you may have caused them. If the conversation goes badly or becomes abusive, this is your sign that the conversation should be ended immediately. The conversation will not be over, but sometimes people need time to process the information so they can formulate how they want to respond to this new information.

Plan for the support you will need for recovery

Substance use and addiction can lead someone to isolate and retreat from any supportive networks, including their partner. Building a support network is essential to long-lasting recovery. We need to remember that this feeling of isolation is a shared experience for both you and your spouse, especially without a strong support network. When building a support network of friends, family, and support groups, it is important to make sure that you are getting healthy encouragement while also including them in your wins throughout the program. By surrounding yourselves with individuals that understand the challenges of addiction, couples can find comfort, advice, and inspiration.

Discuss what to say to your kids

When you have children, it is important to discuss how to talk with them about the addiction. We often think that we should shelter children from what is going on in the family; it is more likely that they have a sense of what is going on already. Conversing with them in age-appropriate terms can help them understand and assure them that this is not their fault or responsibility to fix, and that you and the other adults are doing your best to correct the addiction problem. Reassure them that you guys will come up with a solution that will make things better.

How a Marriage Can Survive Drug or Alcohol Addiction

Understanding how marriages survive when one of the people involved is an addict can help you understand that not all things are cut and dried. Many people and relationships have and continue to flourish with one of the partners being an addict. Marriages and partnerships are built on trust, communication, and emotional safety. When addiction is introduced, it affects both partners, but with professional treatment and counseling, clear boundaries set up, and ongoing support, a marriage can recover and start to grow stronger.

Being married to an addict can be difficult, but with love being such a powerful force, it makes it possible for most couples to overcome even the most challenging trials that life can throw at us. Being married to someone who has an addiction can test the strength and resilience of marriage or partnership, with it being strained sometimes to the limits. With understanding, compassion, and a joint commitment to overcome the addiction, a partnership or marriage can survive and, in some cases, come out stronger than it was before. If you need help on this journey, we are here for you. Our addiction specialists can give you resources and advice to make sure that your marriage survives this hiccup in life.

Types of therapy and support groups for couples

Couples therapy is usually comprised of a few different approaches, each being designed to address different relationship challenges and goals. EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) is a widely used therapy approach which helps couples or partners recognize negative interaction patterns, strengthen emotional bonds, and build the foundation for trust and security in the relationship. This type of therapy focuses on improving communication, increasing friendships/ intimacy, managing conflict in healthy ways, and developing skills to help couples learn to navigate disagreements without damaging their connection.

Other types of couples therapy can include CBCT (cognitive behavioral couples therapy), which helps couples identify and change their unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that contribute to conflict. SFBT (solution-focused brief Therapy), which builds strength in finding practical solutions rather than dwelling on past problems. IBTC (integrative behavioral couples therapy), which helps build behavior change strategies with emotional acceptance to improve satisfaction in the relationship. The most effective type of therapy is the one that addresses the unique needs of each couple. Depending on what needs to be corrected, a licensed couples therapist can assess the relationship and recommend an approach that supports lasting positive change.

It can be difficult to realize that it is time to seek professional help, but if you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed and can’t cope on your own, you may want to consider seeking professional help from a qualified professional. A counselor will be able to help you cope with stress and show you how to take care of yourself and protect your mental health while offering strategies for helping your loved ones understand your addiction. You may want to consider going to self-help meetings that are designed to help families and friends of loved ones who have become addicted to drugs or alcohol, like AL-ANON or NAR-ANON.


Sources

Mental health and substance abuse coverage 
Medication-Assisted Treatment
What is substance abuse treatment 
Couples therapy BCT
Family Counseling
The Gottman method
EFT therapy explained
Erik Epp – Content Author